Nervous

It's official, I now have less than a month to wait for my surgery. I finally got to sit down for a full movie without having to get up from the pain and afterwards I started feel nauseous as I thought of everything that could go wrong. I could get snowed in, my doctor could get sick, my doctor may change his mind. Of course, even if the surgery happened things could go wrong. I could be paralyzed, I could lose permanent control of my bladder and bowels. I could still be in severe pain after the surgery.

I know that I can't continue as is. The tumors on the cauda equina root will only apply more pressure and if it progresses into cauda equina syndrome then I'll need emergency surgery. A surgery that will not be done a specialist becomes there isn't one where I live. So, I'll have a higher chance of complications. I WANT the surgery and I have no intention of cancelling it but it's scary. I found a reddit discussion where a person stated that they had surgery and they're still in pain and believe that they'll be on permanent disability for the rest of their life. That's a scary thought. Part of me thought it may be an online troll except for the fact that they said that they'd do it again because the "suicide inducing pain" was gone. "Suicide inducing pain" is a perfect description of the pain I felt. It's pain that never goes away. You can't sleep, walk, sit or stand for very long becomes the pain increase so every moment of the day is focused on trying to minimize your pain. The gabapentin has done wonders for controlling the nerve pain but with that under control the back pain has become more obvious.

I have a few more stress and hope filled weeks to wait before I'll find out which one will become my reality.